retroavocado

Happy Birthday to... ME!

2006-04-04T00:01:00.000-05:00

The big 2-oh existential crisis.

2006-04-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

So, here's what. I'm a high-school drop out, and I've recently... um, stopped going to classes at a local community college that I decided to attend after I stopped going to classes at the U of M -- which, by the way, I was accepted to months after the deadline AND I only had to show them my ACT scores to get in. My IQ is, ahem, high but my level of ambition is not so high. Neither is my confidence level. I totally value myself in most respects, but when it comes to seeing myself as someone who someone else might find attractive -- well, that's where the buck stops. I've never really dated anyone, and, sadly enough, always feel like someone is pitying me if they show any interest. And my last kiss -- ages and ages ago. I've been toying with the idea of therapy for the last, wow, for at least the last year, but I don't know if I'm actually ready to let myself be happy. I think, though, that my ability to recognise that at least, means that I'm on my way there - to that place where I'm wanting to help myself.

My family fully supports me -- financially and in all of my endeavors and undertakings, and my dad is absolutely my biggest fan. I tell him that I'm interested in photography, and he buys be a boat-load of books about the subject. I tell him that I'm comtemplating moving to Newport, Rhode Island for the summer to do some sailing, and he e-mails me a plethora of links about the sailing community, job openings, apartment listings, etc.
I feel like I should be at least getting a job one of these days, and am seriously thinking about what kind of job I want to get -- thing is, I wear hearing aids -- I have a bi-lateral moderate to severe hearing loss, and have worn hearing aids since I was 5 -- and my hearing loss is something that I allow to stand in the way of, yeah, everything. It's a big part of my low self esteem, and in regards to getting a job, my thought process usually goes along the lines of: can't work in a coffee shop because of all the background noise. can't work at a restaurant because of all the background noise. can't work _______ because of all the background noise. My hearing aids take care of the volume level -- I can Hear everything, but I heavily depend on lip-reading to Understand things.
I definitely have guilt when it comes to taking money from my family, but I know that I'm lucky to be in the position that I am in, and that there are so many things that I could be taking for granted that I don't take for granted.

So, yeah, I've been a wee bit stressed out lately -- doing a lot of thinking about what I want to be doing with my life, or at least my days for the next little while. Because while this sitting around all day reading books and listening to music thing would be nice if I ever really had a hectic fast-paced life, it'd be nice to get a break from having a break.

(untitled)

2006-04-01T21:05:00.000-06:00

More posts. Leab wants more posts.

But what to talk about?

Perhaps I could discuss what a complete shit I was tonight at my birthday dinner. Would that suffice, because we could also talk about how I feel like I'm listlessly drifting through my days and that I am just completely at a loss for how I want to spend the rest of my life, and if we talk about that, then we could talk about my complete and utter lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.

But! I don't want to talk about any of that. Instead, I am going to bed. And perhaps when I get up tomorrow, I'll feel less AAAAARRRRGGGGH, but for now, I'm tired, and I can't stop feeling like I want to cry -- even though there was enough of that earlier -- so, to bed I go.

Like hockey, but indoors with a tennis ball and a box for a goal. Less padding, too.

2006-03-26T13:10:00.000-06:00

High-light of my week? Playing floor-hockey with my 10 year old almost almost-brother and my puppy.

Tidbits

2006-03-18T19:09:00.000-06:00

Saturday, 6pm...
Me: walking to my car in the garage.
Him: unloading groceries from his car in the garage, with his girlfriend. *Waves*
Me: rubbing my eyes and smushing my face with my palms in an attempt to wake up, plausibly could have missed seeing wave.
Him: "Hey, what's up?"
Me: "Oh, hey! *yawn* I just woke up from a nap, don't talk to me. *ha*
Him: "Ya up all night having sex?"
Me: *trips* pause to absorb this query. "What don't you understand about 'don't talk to me'?"
His girlfriend: glares at him.
Him: *chuckles*

Aside from the fact that he asked me this question in front of his girlfriend, the fact that he asked ME this question is what really threw me for a loop. Like, am I giving off a stayingupallnighthavingsex vibe? Do my neighbors think that that's who I am? I guess this alone isn't such a big deal, but the following exchange occurred with this same guy a few weeks ago.

A few days prior to this conversation, he saw me taking my dog and a dog that I was pet-sitting outside early in the morning, in my pajamas.

Him: walking to his car in the garage, with his girlfriend and his roommate.
Me (properly attired): walking to my car in the garage, with my cell phone to my ear.
Him: "Hey, I saw you the other day."
Me: "Oh. Okay...?"
Him: "Yeah, you were letting the dogs out? It was like, 7:50 on Wednesday morning? You were wearing those green boxer shorts, and that tie-dyed blue shirt... you had bed head. You were barefoot."
Me: "Oh. Okay...? Well, thanks for ... remembering?
His girlfriend: to him "What are you doing?"
His roommate: "Yeah, dude?"
Me: really glad to be to my car to avoid the Awkward.

ANYWAY. Mexico was a blast. Pictures up soon.

Hasta luego!

2006-03-05T23:36:00.000-06:00

I'm off, folks... Going to Mexico for a week. See you when I get back!

(and still looking for song sugestions (see below) if you've got them.)

(untitled)

2006-02-26T19:12:00.000-06:00

There is a guy... sitting in my living room... giving my roommate a pedicure.

More Cowbell

2006-02-22T22:08:00.000-06:00

My dad is getting married at the beginning of the summer, and I'm putting together some pre-wedding music for him and my future evil stepmother (she's great, I have nothing against her, it's just fun to talk about future evil stepmothers' and future evil stepbrothers').

The songs I'm considering including are:

Peter Mulvey, Every Word Except Goodbye
Stevie Wonder, I Just Called To Say I Love You
Lindsay Mac, Use Me
Van Morrison and Ray Charles, Crazy Love
Jeff Buckley, Everybody Here Wants You
Feist, Inside and Out

and, wow, looking over the list I wrote out earlier, these are pretty much the only ones that I even want to post on the internet, let alone burn to a CD (and I'm not really that sure about one or two of these).

HELP! Can you think of any love-ish songs that aren't completely embarrassing or inappropriate for me to "give" to my dad and future evil stepmother as a wedding gift?
Back-story: The wedding is happening "up north," so they'll have a little bit of a drive... I thought I'd give the CD to them before the caravan of family members heads out.

How I Spent this Freezing Cold Saturday:

2006-02-18T15:16:00.000-06:00

Gotta love the camera-phone shots!
I bought a new coffee table, I re-arranged furniture (the couch I'm sitting on used to be against the wall with the mirrors on it), I swept and mopped the floors, did laundry, and I watched mooovies on the teevee. Very productive, yes indeedy.
And! I made stir-fry. From scratch. (Yes, not the most difficult thing in the world to make, but. I. cooked!)

It's 9 degrees, farenheit, right now, but with the wind, it feels like 10 below, or so says my local weather-woman.

Little Man

2006-02-14T21:36:00.000-06:00

This was my only Valentine... Aside from a lovely e-mail from Closet... (Thanks!)

The little man is getting de-man-ed tomorrow. Poor little guy.

(fun stuffage)

2006-02-05T20:37:00.000-06:00

This one seems to be making the rounds:

Four jobs I've had:
1. Nanny
2. Nanny
3. Nanny
4. Nanny

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. In America
2. Live From Baghdad
3. Practical Magic
4. The Princess Bride

Four places I've lived:
1. Victoria, MN (first 13 years of life)
2. Chaska, MN (2 years, 1 year each in 2 locations)
3. Minnetonka, MN (7 months)
4. Minneapolis, MN (past 2+ years)

Four TV Shows I Love:
1. Mythbusters, but I don't have cable
(2. Alias, the first 2 seasons.)
(3. ER, back when it had some original cast members... Before Africa.)
(4. I Love Lucy, back before I hit 5'5".)
(I really, really, haven't been watching any TV lately...)

Four places I've vacationed:
1. San Francisco, California (last year, for a week, alone)
2. Key West, Florida (last year, for a week, alone)
3. Playa del Carmen, Yucatan, Mexico (3 yeas in a row, ages 12 through 14, with my dad, and my best friend and her dad)
4. Barcelona, Spain (age 6, with the fam)

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Baked potatos, with everything on 'em...
2. Texas toast
3. Sweet potato french fries, with a mayo and a bbq dipping sauce from Figlio
4. mushroomy rice thing that my dad made in college, that I now make
(holy carbs, batman!)

Four sites I visit daily:
1. flickr.com
2. overheardinnewyork.com
3. dictionary.com
4. dooce.com

Four books I've read and loved:
1. The Life of Pi, Yann Martel
2. The Solitaire Mystery, Jostein Gaarder
3. Bel Canto, Ann Patchett
4. The God of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
(Just 4, really? 'Cause there are soo many others on my list!)

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Dubrovnik, the Croatian coast
2. Sailing, on the ocean
3. Merida, Mexico
4. The cabin in Canada

Now you go! Consider this your official TAG!

#7

2006-02-05T04:44:00.000-06:00

I got to assist a photographer in the studio at school on Wednesday.

It was one of those things where I Just Knew that this was something that I was completely capable of doing. And it came so naturally to me. I seem to have the innate ability to know where to be, and what I'll need to do, and what I'll need to use to do it. If a light panel needed adjusting, I was there before the photographer asked me to move it. When one of the lights needed a filter on it, I had them ready before the photographer asked for one. And I was able to make suggestions to her, in a way that neither of us felt like I was infringing on her shoot. The methodicalness (that is TOO a word!) of it all really appeals to me: knowing that That Light is kept Over There and fits on That Stand, and when you're done, That Light goes back Over There and That Stand belongs in That Corner. And the shooting aspect of it is really orderly too: certain equipment goes with a certain camera, and so many steps have to be taken before you can even press the shutter release. It's all so precise. Especially taking shots in studio (the more commercial aspect of professional photography, versus portrait or wedding) where everything can be controled, it makes for a very organized and exact environment, and it's almost soothing. Though, I do like getting out in the real world, and letting things come to me, stumbling across and image that just. grabs. me.

I'm SO looking forward to having my own photography studio someday. And my own assistant, too, maybe.

Hennepin Avenue Bridge, Minneapolis

2006-02-04T19:08:00.000-06:00

(fun stuffage)

2006-02-03T19:53:00.000-06:00

How evil are you?

#6

2006-02-03T18:28:00.000-06:00

I had this dream last night. More of a memory concealed within my sleeping thoughts, really. I saw myself as a little girl, eating McNuggets. And I was eating them in this particular way: I would nibble a bit of the breading off, and then dip the naked chicken in the barbeque sauce. A few nibbles and a few bited per nugget.
I went to McDonalds today. I ordered McNuggets. And I ate them in my old way, and let me tell you, it was utterly satisfying. My McDonalds tendencies are rare, I go once in a while, when I need food on the run, but it's always been a mechanical thing, no joy really, not like as a kid. McDonalds was always a special treat when I was groing up, and I think the rarity of it, combined with my odd McNugget habits made it a great, wonderful thing for me.

(Ugh, fucking McDonalds.)

Snow!

2006-02-01T00:28:00.000-06:00

Took this out the window, going 70mph down 35W. It snowed a ton, a ton tonight. Huge wet flakes have been coming down since about 7 this evening. Did I get out to play in this snow? You bet I did! Great sidewalk-surfing... and the puppy had a blast!

#5

2006-01-31T15:59:00.000-06:00

Questions I've been wanting to ask:

Are the words "moist" and "groin" homonyms? Is homonyms a word? If they aren't homonyms, what are they? And are the words "Sean" and "Bean" whatever "moist" and "groin" are?

Is the phrase "song lyrics" redundant? Like, do you have to say "song"? Are there things other than songs that have lyrics?

And there's a song out there that begins: "Here's to you (female name) and (male name)..." What are those names? Who sings the song, and what's it called?

These are the things that I think about when I'm in my car for an hour and a half everyday. Without radio. It's not broken or anything, but I'm sick sick sick of music stations, and after a few days of listening to NPR, well, let's just say I'm sufficiently informed. And depressed.

(And, yes, I could Google these things (or Blingo, 'Cause I might win shit), but I don't wanna. I like to hear from real live people. And my real live Google, my dad, is on vacation.)

Also! Are you listening to Feist? Because, if not, you ought to be. Yes, ought. I've had her cover of the BeeGee's Inside and Out stuck in my head for the last 48 hours. And that's a good thing. Check out her Let It Die album. Just a little tip. From me to you. : )

(fun stuffage)

2006-01-27T13:46:00.000-06:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about RetroAvocado!

RetroAvocado is 984 feet tall.
In Eastern Africa you can buy beer brewed from RetroAvocado.
The Australian billygoat plum contains a hundred times more Vitamin C than RetroAvocado.
If you blow out all the candles on RetroAvocado with one breath, your wish will come true.
Until the 1960s, RetroAvocado was not allowed to enter Disneyland.
Devoid of her cells and proteins, RetroAvocado has the same chemical makeup as sea water.
If you put a drop of liquor on RetroAvocado, she will go mad and sting herself to death.
RetroAvocado was first grown in America by the grandmother Maria Ann Smith, from whom her name comes.
Pacman was originally called RetroAvocadoman!
The Aztec Indians of Mexico believed RetroAvocado would protect them from physical harm, and so warriors used her to decorate their battle shields.

#4

2006-01-25T00:23:00.000-06:00

I received this email a few days ago:

Hi (retroavocado),

You don't know me...I know your mother. I am contacting you in the hope that I can convince you to meet with her. I don't know what happened between you two, but I know you haven't had any contact in quite a long time. I know that your mother is anxious to have some kind of contact with you.

P.S. She doesn't know I am sending you this email.

A day later, I responded with:

Sorry, but I really have no interest in getting back in touch with (my mother).

He responded with:

One last plea and then I won't bother you again.

As I said before, I don't know what happened between you and (your mother), but I have to believe that it had something to do with her drinking problem. I'm sure she did and said some things that she's not proud of . She has been sober for 6 years now and you may find that she has changed. I have some personal experience along those lines...my father was an alcoholic and the difference after he stopped drinking was like night and day.

I ask that you keep an open mind and just meet with her once.

,(him)

I wrote back:

(Him),
As harsh as it may sound, I've moved beyond needing (her) in my life. I had feelings of anger toward her for a few years, but now my feelings are those of indifference - I have no desire to be a part of her life, and am quite happy without her in my life.

If you feel you need a more thorough explanation of my feelings, I could probably go into greater depth. And if you have any questions for me, I am willing to try to answer them.

(Me)

He wrote back:

Your reasons are your own, and frankly none of my business. I thought I would take a shot and see if I could get you two to meet, but apparently you are not ready. I hope some day that will change. I'm sure you have been through some tough times and I do think it would be good for you to talk to a family counselor about your feelings.

Good luck to you (retroavocado), and if somewhere down the road you should decide you would like to meet with (your mother) let me know.

(Him)

I don't think I'm going to write him back again. If I did, it would be to say something along the lines of: I have seen a family counselor/therapist, am at ease with my feelings, and should I ever decide that I want to get back in contact with my mother, well, I know who to write. But I'm not sure I could write that in a breezy way, you know, without sounding clipped, or upset, or defensive.

The reason I post this here is because, well, I mention, often enough, that I've not spoken with my mother in a while, and the response that I get from people is generally a sympathetic look accompanied by a question that usually goes along the lines of: When are you going to get back in touch with her? And I see where people are coming from. I imagine that they think of her, and of her missing me, and of a feckless grudge being held far too long by a misguided teenager. And I wonder that too, Am I being petty? I don't think I am. I remember Not Liking my mother, even when I was very young. She was a room mom in first grade, and I know I didn't like her being around. I remember being dropped off for school some mornings, and not wanting to respond when she said "I love you" out the open window to me, and when prodded, saying "I do, too" instead of "I love you, too." As an elementary-schooler, there was a big difference between the two, one meant that I loved her back, the other meant that I loved myself as well. I remember finding her actions to be insincere, thinking that the things she did, the affection she showed was planned out, a scheme, that she was secretly glancing around during hugs to make sure someone was watching this lovely display between mother and daughter. I wasn't a suspicious child. I was relatively normal, perhaps a bit sensitive, and certainly bossy, and in fact, looking back, even now, I see my childhood as being a good one - the sweets far outweighed the sours. There more tales to tell, of course, but not many that come after I realized that she had a drinking problem. Once that became an Issue, well, we'd all pretty much left by then - withdrawing into ourselves. The last memory I have of the three of us together is in the family room. I remember sobbing uncontrollably, and remember someone (me?) telling my mother that she had to choose between her family and alcohol - that if she didn't stop drinking, or get help, that my dad and I would move out. We moved out the next day. Night, actually, in secret. At her request, given through my dad, I didn't tell any of my friends that we moved out and that they were separating.

What is your impression of the situation? Upon reading the emails? Did it change once you read my anecdotes? How do those emails read to you?

This is hideously disjointed, but my thought about this are, too, so, I'm not going to edit.

(random linkage)

2006-01-18T02:16:00.000-06:00

Um... this is... bizarre?

Fish in Fish-bowl

2006-01-18T02:12:00.000-06:00

#3

2006-01-18T02:11:00.000-06:00

I just had this *great* idea! A blog with the title of "blogorrhea"! I mean, genius, right?

And it didn't even occur to me that no one else had EVER thought of this.

OF COURSE they have. What? Why are you looking at me like that? It's 2 in the morning, that's my excuse, okay?

You're still gonna visit me, right? Please.

Just forget I said anything.

Yeah, you know what -- go here instead. Much more worthy of your time.

#2

2006-01-17T23:38:00.000-06:00

James Blunt's "You're Beautiful"? Really? I mean, really? It's catchy, I'll grant you that, but so utterly mockable. Do you like this song? Why? Seriously... why?

(Where does that first question mark go!?!)

Lake Harriet, Minneapolis, Minnesota

2006-01-14T10:31:00.000-06:00

#1

2006-01-14T09:39:00.000-06:00

A is for age: 19. A mature 19. Average age people figure me for: 25.

B is for Booze of choice: Rarely drink, but when I do, it's the vodka tonic for me. Or, even better, Stoli Raz with 7Up.

C is for career: Aspiring photographer.

D is for your dog's name: Benny. Yorkie. Super cute. Cutest thing ever, in fact.

E is for essential items you use everyday: Cell phone, laptop, car, camera, dog leash, purse.

F is for favorite song at the moment: Use Me, the Lindsay Mac version...

G is for favorite games: Scrabble, Boggle, tennis.

H is for hometown: Victoria, Minnesota.

I is for instruments you play: Piano, Guitar, Trombone, Violin... Though, I haven't touched any of these in YEARS.

J is for jam or jelly you like: Strawberry.

K is for Kids: Um, I am one? No, I want kids, definitely. Someday.

L is for last kiss: Pathetically, during a game of Spin the Bottle.

M is for most admired trait: In myself: compassion. In others: drive, motivated-ness.

N is for the name of your crush: Which one? There are a few. I am a teenager after all!

O is for overnight hospital stays: None.

P is for phobias: None, I don't think.

Q is for quotes you like: There are some cute Winnie the Pooh ones out there. I don't know, there aren't any that I have... erm, on file.

R is for biggest regret: Hmm, well, there are a few things that could be regrets, but I think life is better because they happened. Stories for another post, I suppose.

S is for sweets of your choice: Junior Mints, at the moovies.

T is for the time you wake up: Oy, noon? I'm in class 5 days a week from at least 5 pm until 10 pm, so I get to bed late.

U is for underwear: What about it? I wear it, yes.

V is for vegetable you love: Broccoli.

W is for worst habit: I'm in the habit of NOT drinking enough water, how's that.

Y is for yummy food you make: Cimanin toast. And anything that catches my eye in the Joy of Cooking... I don't have any specialties but can usually manage anything that I'm craving at the moment.

Z is for zodiac sign: Aries. Anyone know what that means?

More posts to come... Thanks for stopping by!