Happy Birthday to... ME!

The big 2-oh existential crisis.

So, here's what. I'm a high-school drop out, and I've recently... um, stopped going to classes at a local community college that I decided to attend after I stopped going to classes at the U of M -- which, by the way, I was accepted to months after the deadline AND I only had to show them my ACT scores to get in. My IQ is, ahem, high but my level of ambition is not so high. Neither is my confidence level. I totally value myself in most respects, but when it comes to seeing myself as someone who someone else might find attractive -- well, that's where the buck stops. I've never really dated anyone, and, sadly enough, always feel like someone is pitying me if they show any interest. And my last kiss -- ages and ages ago. I've been toying with the idea of therapy for the last, wow, for at least the last year, but I don't know if I'm actually ready to let myself be happy. I think, though, that my ability to recognise that at least, means that I'm on my way there - to that place where I'm wanting to help myself.

My family fully supports me -- financially and in all of my endeavors and undertakings, and my dad is absolutely my biggest fan. I tell him that I'm interested in photography, and he buys be a boat-load of books about the subject. I tell him that I'm comtemplating moving to Newport, Rhode Island for the summer to do some sailing, and he e-mails me a plethora of links about the sailing community, job openings, apartment listings, etc.
I feel like I should be at least getting a job one of these days, and am seriously thinking about what kind of job I want to get -- thing is, I wear hearing aids -- I have a bi-lateral moderate to severe hearing loss, and have worn hearing aids since I was 5 -- and my hearing loss is something that I allow to stand in the way of, yeah, everything. It's a big part of my low self esteem, and in regards to getting a job, my thought process usually goes along the lines of: can't work in a coffee shop because of all the background noise. can't work at a restaurant because of all the background noise. can't work _______ because of all the background noise. My hearing aids take care of the volume level -- I can Hear everything, but I heavily depend on lip-reading to Understand things.
I definitely have guilt when it comes to taking money from my family, but I know that I'm lucky to be in the position that I am in, and that there are so many things that I could be taking for granted that I don't take for granted.

So, yeah, I've been a wee bit stressed out lately -- doing a lot of thinking about what I want to be doing with my life, or at least my days for the next little while. Because while this sitting around all day reading books and listening to music thing would be nice if I ever really had a hectic fast-paced life, it'd be nice to get a break from having a break.

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More posts. Leab wants more posts.

But what to talk about?

Perhaps I could discuss what a complete shit I was tonight at my birthday dinner. Would that suffice, because we could also talk about how I feel like I'm listlessly drifting through my days and that I am just completely at a loss for how I want to spend the rest of my life, and if we talk about that, then we could talk about my complete and utter lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.

But! I don't want to talk about any of that. Instead, I am going to bed. And perhaps when I get up tomorrow, I'll feel less AAAAARRRRGGGGH, but for now, I'm tired, and I can't stop feeling like I want to cry -- even though there was enough of that earlier -- so, to bed I go.

Like hockey, but indoors with a tennis ball and a box for a goal. Less padding, too.

High-light of my week? Playing floor-hockey with my 10 year old almost almost-brother and my puppy.

Tidbits

Saturday, 6pm...
Me: walking to my car in the garage.
Him: unloading groceries from his car in the garage, with his girlfriend. *Waves*
Me: rubbing my eyes and smushing my face with my palms in an attempt to wake up, plausibly could have missed seeing wave.
Him: "Hey, what's up?"
Me: "Oh, hey! *yawn* I just woke up from a nap, don't talk to me. *ha*
Him: "Ya up all night having sex?"
Me: *trips* pause to absorb this query. "What don't you understand about 'don't talk to me'?"
His girlfriend: glares at him.
Him: *chuckles*

Aside from the fact that he asked me this question in front of his girlfriend, the fact that he asked ME this question is what really threw me for a loop. Like, am I giving off a stayingupallnighthavingsex vibe? Do my neighbors think that that's who I am? I guess this alone isn't such a big deal, but the following exchange occurred with this same guy a few weeks ago.

A few days prior to this conversation, he saw me taking my dog and a dog that I was pet-sitting outside early in the morning, in my pajamas.

Him: walking to his car in the garage, with his girlfriend and his roommate.
Me (properly attired): walking to my car in the garage, with my cell phone to my ear.
Him: "Hey, I saw you the other day."
Me: "Oh. Okay...?"
Him: "Yeah, you were letting the dogs out? It was like, 7:50 on Wednesday morning? You were wearing those green boxer shorts, and that tie-dyed blue shirt... you had bed head. You were barefoot."
Me: "Oh. Okay...? Well, thanks for ... remembering?
His girlfriend: to him "What are you doing?"
His roommate: "Yeah, dude?"
Me: really glad to be to my car to avoid the Awkward.


ANYWAY. Mexico was a blast. Pictures up soon.

Hasta luego!

I'm off, folks... Going to Mexico for a week. See you when I get back!

(and still looking for song sugestions (see below) if you've got them.)

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There is a guy... sitting in my living room... giving my roommate a pedicure.